honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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