Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
