I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
