Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
