did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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