I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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