I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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