So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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