distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
