so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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