I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
