I can tuck mytits in my pants
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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