in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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