i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
