speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There r osticjed everywhere
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize