You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
