Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He did a backflip because drugs
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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