I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize