Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
