i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
