5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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