Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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