He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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