Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
