god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
