my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
