I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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