My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
