You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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