I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
