all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You're like the curious george of whores
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
