i wish my penis had a tongue
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Drake has all the answers
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
