yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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