my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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