Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
