Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
