apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
