You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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