I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
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