Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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