I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
