Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
