It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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