apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
