I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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