Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
