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I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
