I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
