She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
