my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
you had me at cake vodka
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You're a disaster
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