Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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