Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
