They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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