You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
