did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
