remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
