I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
