She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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