hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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