i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
