Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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