He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I can't turn off my feet"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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