I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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