Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
