i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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