good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
