im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
