I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize