Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
