she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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